Careers for Magical Creatures: A Series of Funny Short Stories Read online

  Sarina Dorie4200 words

  P.O. Box 1506

  Oregon City, OR 97045

  (503) 887-8805

  [email protected]

  Careers for Magical Creatures: A Serial of 10 Flash Fiction Stories

  Careers for Magical Creatures: Want Ads

  By Sarina Dorie

  Mother Mountain Needs You to Save the Amazon

  Have experience working as an Irish banshee, but looking for something a little more exotic?

  Madremonte Inc. is on the lookout for new members for our team to haunt Columbian jungles and keep away trespassers with chilling wails. Candidates must be willing to wear moss and leaves as part of a work uniform. Madremonte Inc. is an equal opportunity employer. We are also seeking Padremontes.

  Clurichaun Interns Wanted

  Searching for a security guard who has the luck of the Irish in him or her, prior experience working as a leprechaun—but prefer the color red, and a thirst for working in wine cellars. Paid and unpaid positions. Apply today!

  There’s No Place Like a Cyclone

  Why work as an Impundulu in Africa with the powers of wind, rain and lightning? For starters, no one’s going to drop a house on your sister when you control the storms! Other benefits include getting to help witch doctors and drinking human blood. Yum!

  Got Shoe Fetish?

  Forget the days of working on Keds, Doc Martins and Adidas. Our shoe repair elves work on top quality brands. If names like Prada, Gucci, and Jimmy Choo send your heart racing, then your days of yearning are over. We are searching for detail-oriented individuals who have a passion for repairing heels and eyelets to the core of your insole.

  Not Just Hiring Dolphins

  Encantado positions at Aquatic Associates are open to all sea monsters. Think of being an encantado as the modern day Dionysus, but down in the Southern Hemisphere. Perks include attending rowdy parties and festivals, seducing human women and breaking their hearts, and an occasional kidnapping. Skills in music and a mesmerizing voice are a plus, but not required. On the job training is provided.

  Benefits Include Free Dinner with Shift

  Traditionally lumpeguins served Native American people, but our business is expanding to meet the high demand of growing markets. More than ever, soup kitchens, orphanages, and Title 1 schools need the help of magical creatures to bake bread from snow. Other duties include cooking meals from magic pots that provide an infinite amount of food. See if you have the qualifications to become a member of our growing team.

  Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, Your Dreams Can Come True

  The Division of Fairy Godmothers is now hiring entry-level godmother and godfather positions. We are looking for individuals with on the job experience working as a guardian angels, bodhisattvas, or spirit guides, or who have passed a fairy godmother correspondence course. Perks include attending balls, rubbing elbows with nobles in the Charming family, and dips in the chocolate fountain.

  Careers for Magical Creatures: Fairy Godmother Correspondence School Advertisement

  By Sarina Dorie

  Unsatisfied in your career as shoe repair elf, tooth fairy, cupid, or muse? Considering a new occupation? Advance your career with a step in the right direction by applying for Fairy Godmother Correspondence School! Breaking into this elite and competitive field isn’t easy, but we help you get a head start with a curriculum designed to prepare you for this lucrative occupation. Send away for monthly courses that will help you earn a degree in a field more suited to your noble-minded nature.

  You might be a good fit as a fairy godmother or godfather if you:

  Like the idea of working as a guardian angel—only one with a focus on heroes and royalty.

  Live to serve deserving mortals, namely Prince Charming, Princess Charming, King Charming, Queen Charming, as well as other nobles.

  Are willing to put in extra hours attending balls to keep an eye on your charge.

  Often think to yourself you could have done a better job with the British royal family than the infamous Winsor fairy godmother and the way she botched up the Prince Charles and Princess Diana job.

  Stay awake at night thinking how much better your life would be if you could find an occupation that doesn’t involve repairing shoes, wearing diapers, or cleaning toilets.

  Live by the motto: truth, justice and bibbidi-bobbidi-boo for immortals too!

  Just because you’re an immortal doesn’t mean your wishes can’t come true. Top students receive paid internships with the Division of Fairy Godmother and Godfathers.

  Benefits of being hired by DFG include:

  Access to the private chocolate fountain at the Division of Fairy Godmother headquarters.

  Invitations to the most elite parties in the fairy realm.

  Generous bonuses paid in magic or cash equivalency.

  Flitting high above the lowest fairy ranks like tooth fairies and toilet fairies.

  If this sounds like you, contact the Charming Industries Correspondence School to see how we can help you achieve your dreams as a fairy godmother or godfather. We also offer mail order and online courses in programs for muses, cupids, grim reapers, Easter bunnies, and Santas.

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  Careers for Magical Creatures: Correspondence School Quiz, Taken by Client

  By Sarina Dorie

  Becoming a fairy godmother or godfather and helping human heroes is a satisfying dream for many immortals that can become a reality for top students. Whether you are new to the occupation or wanting to return after being demoted to a lower occupation like tooth fairy, you will be required to have a clean work record for a hundred years, need three letters of recommendation, and must pass the final exam proctored in the fairy realm in order to be considered for an internship.

  Each section of the correspondence course can be completed at the pace a student chooses, but tests must be completed within a hundred years of receiving the textbook.

  After reading the textbook Fairy Godmother and Godfather Morals with Mortals, complete the following essay questions. Essays can be submitted online or mailed in.

  #

  Student ID #: TF789609

  Test ID #: TF341.2

  Sex: Often

  You have two clients belonging to different noble families who decide to go to war with each other. How do you decide who to aid?

  A coin toss.

  Help them both.

  This is a trick question. You can only work for noble family at a time.

  None of the above.

  Your client, Prince Charming, invites you into his chamber for a private drink. You:

  Accept the invitation, but only drink tea if you are on duty.

  Accept the invitation and drink Long Island iced tea if you are not on duty.

  See no harm in this so long as you are professional and you both keep your clothes on.

  None of the above.

  After you have catered to your client for four years, she has decided to disown her family, change her name and give up her quest. Do you still have an obligation to her if she is no longer the client you originally took on?

  Yes, but only if she still attends balls and wants to marry a prince.

  Yes, a true hero is noble in more than mere name.

  No, if a client’s quest is forfeit, there is no reason to continue.

  No, those princesses are a whiney bunch; the less of them there are, the better.

  According to studies conducted by researchers using the Fairy Council’s hall of records, humans descended from the Charming line possess important genetic traits that make them ten
times more likely to:

  Have foot fetishes.

  Seduce their fairy godmothers.

  Commit acts of heroic deeds.

  All of the above.

  A fairy godchild is asked to fill out an intake form because it helps his fairy godmother:

  Know whether he is single.

  Help determine what his quest is.

  Understand his or her needs on a quest.

  Both B and C.

  Unexpectedly, the noble family you work with becomes divided over succession to the throne, and your clients seek violence toward each other. What should you do?

  Help them negotiate.

  Use magic to influence kindly behavior.

  Go on vacation for a month until it is over to avoid interfering in human affairs.

  Both B and C.

  You have a secret crush on the prince you’ve set up your client to marry. You should:

  Talk to a coworker about taking this client, so you won’t be faced with temptation.

  Go to a support group who will help you get over your morbid infatuation with humans.

  Ask the prince for his phone number.

  Both A and B.

  A member of the Charming family and a poverty-stricken hero are falling off a cliff into a pit of lava. As you zoom through the air, who do you save and why?

  Your client because he is the hero you are assigned to.

  Your client because the Charming already has a fairy godmother who is aiding him or her.

  The Charming because fairy godmothers are sworn to protect this human bloodline.

  The Charming if he noticed you at the ball and gave you his phone number.

  The best way to avoid the temptation of falling for humans in the workplace is:

  Bring a chaperone if you are planning on being alone with a client.

  Wear a chastity belt.

  Sew your wild oats after hours at Roman orgies, toga parties, and immortal-only clubs.

  Remind yourself that you might become a toilet fairy if you are caught.

  All of the above.

  The best way to discourage the advances of human clients who might fall in love with you is:

  Use glamour to appear as an elderly woman.

  Set firm boundaries and enforce these consistently.

  Set firm boundaries and make sure those naughty princes know that if they cross them it’s spanking time!

  Both A and C.

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  Answer Key:

  C

  D

  B

  D

  D

  D

  C

  C

  E

  D

  #

  Score: 6/10 D

  Instructor Comments: Student TF789609, you started off on the right track, but slowly declined in your answers, especially the ones related to godmother-godchild conduct. You’re not showing a good fit for our occupation if all you can think about is dating a prince. Feel free to retake this quiz after more studying!

  #

  Fairy godmother correspondence school classes are administered by Charming Industries.

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  Careers for Magical Creatures: A Fairy Godmother’s Guide to Conduct with Clients

  By Sarina Dorie

  You’ve passed your fairy godmother classes with top honors and landed yourself a job with the Division of Fairy Godmothers. What’s the next step? As you apprentice for your new career, keep a copy of Fairy Godmother Conduct handy.

  Being a fairy godmother is a rewarding career for an immortal that involves helping nobles and heroes on a daily basis. This prestigious job isn’t for everyone. Some fairies are destined to work as shoe repair elves, garden fairies and minimum wage elves in the Santa Industries a.k.a. Santa’s sweatshop. But not you. You’re better than those lowly immortals.

  Below is a guide for conduct expected of fairy godmothers, developed after one fairy got too close with a noble and breached the godmother-godchild relationship. Make sure you look over this list and consider whether you can adhere to the, “Don’t ask, don’t kiss and tell,” policy of DFG (the Division of Fairy Godmothers) before your first day on the job.

  Keep conversations with your human godchild appropriate, respectful and professional.

  Under no circumstance should you ever kiss Prince Charming.

  Do not keep pinups of all the most eligible princes in the land in your office with hearts drawn around your favorite.

  Under no circumstance should you ever make out with Prince Charming in a carriage.

  Do not engage in quid-pro-quo relationships in which you offer a noble special powers, riches, or a hundred years of sleep in exchange for sex.

  Ensure you aren’t alone with your human godchild while working your bibbidi- bobbidi-boo magic on him or her. In a pinch, enchanted rodents make perfectly acceptable chaperones. You don’t want to be accused of undressing and caressing your client with magic.

  Do not spend time with King Charming in a shower.

  Remember your place in fairy society. Do not grow attached to clients or expect invitations to balls, coronations or special events. We should all remember a certain fairy godmother’s tantrum when she wasn’t invited to Sleeping Beauty’s christening and what happened to her career.

  If Princess Charming or Queen Charming invites you to a slumber party, politely decline and explain it is the D.F.G. policy not to fraternize with humans in negligees.

  Your clients are fragile human beings who haven’t the ability to shield themselves from your magic. It is only natural they might become infatuated with you. It’s your duty to remain formal and professional, and to refuse invitations to make your wishes come true.

  Oh, yeah, and don’t do anything with any other humans either. Adhere to these guidelines while working with clients for success in your new career. As one recently fired fairy godmother put it, “Why do princesses have all the fun? Can’t I have my cake and kiss it too?” Such are the words of someone before they are demoted to tooth fairy.

  And when all else fails, remember, falling for Prince Charming is the number one reason for tooth fairy recruitment.

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  Careers for Magical Creatures: Fairy Godchild Intake Form

  By Sarina Dorie

  This form is to be filled out by clients before a fairy godmother can perform her duties determining the breadth and scope of a quest, suitable spells to aid a godchild, and when it is appropriate to play magical matchmaker at balls.

  Fairy Godchild Name: Theodorus Charming

  Sex: Indeed, often please!

  Occupation: Prince

  Other aliases: The Most Eligible Bachelor In All the Land, Mr. Eye Candy, Mr. Tongue Candy, A Fairy Godmother’s Wet Dream Come True, etc.

  Personal Philosophy: Swords weren’t made to stay in scabbards.

  Hobbies: Attending balls, amassing shoe collections, slaying dragons (literally and figuratively), rescuing damsels in distress, and perfecting the kind of kiss that will wake a princess from a hundred years of slumber.

  Quest objectives: To boldly go where no prince has gone before. And while I’m at it, I should figure out something heroic I can do along the way to bring my family and myself more prestige, wealth, and honor. By Jove, maybe taking over a small kingdom would do!

  Who will be affected by this quest? Me, my worshippers, and my future conquests.

  Why is this project being undertaken? My parents want me out of the castle doing something productive with my life that doesn’t involve partying at balls. They said it’s either a quest or Humphrey’s School for Wayward Princes.

  If you weren’t a noble on a quest, what would you be doing? I think you mean, who would I be doing?

  What is the timing/duration of this quest: I can go all night long, baby!

  Assets: Wealth, jewels, a shining set of armor, a body builder’s physique, a handsome face, and qualities such as charm and modesty too.

  Weaknesses: A fairy godmother with a
beautiful smile and sexy pair of wings. Yowza!

  Comments: My qualities can’t be defined by mere words in an intake form. What do you say to a private conversation? My palace or yours?

  Careers for Magical Creatures: Memo to a Former Fairy Godmother